I choose to sit when I pee

and I sit when I poo

but your team can withstand victories

with the Falcons Younghoe Koo

Last week I sat down to poo

this week I stood up

and you can stand beside me

with the Bucs Ryan Succop

My bowels are cleared out

now it's time to hit the hay

sleep soundly this week

with the Rams Matt Gay

You wake up from your nap

you dance to Charleston

cause we're rolling

with the Raiders Daniel Carlsen

My bad dancing last week turned me into a sucker

so I'm going to a fancy dinner this week

with the Ravens Justin Tucker

After my dinner I boarded a plane

heart set on Scotland

yelling Braveheart style, bear chested

go with the Browns Chase McLaughlin

I leapt from the plane

parachuting aboard a freighter

I landed without clothes

boasting of the Cardinals Matt Prater

With butt cheeks freezing

I grabbed some pants size 39

they were cut off jeans

worn by the Cowboys Greg Zuerlein

Clothed aboard the rig I was taken to the brig

by the ship's commanders

I was booed then tattooed

with the face of Miami's Jason Sanders

Freshly inked I began to stink

rotting with the prison's septic smell

nay I sat in my poo mocked by the crew

led by Pittsburgh's Chris Boswell

Poo stained my mood waned

until my rescuer spoke

big shimmy let's swimmy

and I jumped ship with the Patriots Nick Folk

From doggy paddling, soon I was saddling

a beast going full bananas

the megalodon I rode, I used him as my commode

just like Brandon McManus

A dumpy mega snapped at my hedda

and death was soon close in

if not for my friend, carried by wind

hang-gliding with Greg Joseph

Flying, I went full Julie Andrews

floating down like Mary Poppins

I crop dusted that landing and was greeted

by the Chargers Dustin Hopkins

Famished, food has vanished

and my double stuff-sized tummy howled through the night

but I found a churro factory and my tummy was satisfactory

eating them with the Jaguars Matthew Wright

Powered with sugar, I became even surer

that early onset diabetes would ruin my belly, but

I morphed into muscle, ready for an epic tussle

with a final boss kicker named Jake Elliott

Throwing haymakers he came back like Cam Akers

and he thought that he had me fooled

but i threw a duke in and soon he was hadouken

along with the Niners Robbie Gould

Victorious, the crowds were sanctimonious

as i was carried through all of the mass

I came to a throne and was my own knighted by the Bill's Tyler Bass

raised on a chair there was joy in the air

for a champion was given, much thicker

I was rightfully crowned fully endowed

as the one true boom boom kicker