The details of each Boom Boom kicker in 2023
This is the story behind the story... how did these kickers do as fantasy assets?
Segments, full text, and performance stats
Like Patrick Swayze, boys, I may go crazy. I wonder if I will hit my point break.
Kickers are dirty when they're dancing past 30. They will make my tummy ache.
But this year I ain't regressing.
Boom boom's not messing for I will vanquish every kicker like a ghost from the dead.
I shall fill them with dread.
First goes the Chargers Cameron Dicker.
Like a man bent on war. Some say handsome as Thor.
I bring the thunder like Judge Judy.
Call me Gimly with my battle axe. I turn my foes into wax.
Down goes the 49ers, Jake Moody.
I traveled up North for a cage match.
Henceforth, under the wrestling name Leg Broseph.
Moving like Cameron Akers, I use the Minnesota back breaker
power bombing the Vikings. Greg Joseph
I heard a deep menacing voice, presenting a real Sophie's choice.
Save the city or live without bidets, running on pure endorphins.
I saved both widows and orphans, outwitting the Colts Matt Gay.
In the swampy Everglades, through the misty cascades
Past gators, and eerie salamanders, with traps set.
No regret. I seek the one threat,
the head of the Dolphins, Jason Sanders.
Jason's absence left an opportunity. So I started a mutiny,
summoning a kicking force led by me,
Dashing and handsome, I paid out a king's ransom,
unleashing the Cowboys Brandon Aubrey.
I returned home with glee unbeknownst the trap was set for me.
There laid a delicious baked potato skin.
It turned me red like Mark McGuire, burned like hellfire,
tricked by the Packers Anders Carlson.
I rose up in great fury, pleaded my case before a grand jury
kickers should be exiled, and done
Foiled by his Rico Suave looks, this judge was no Brooks,
hoodwinked by the lions Riley Patterson.
The judge tricked me, jailed by the magistrate.
The inmates tried to seal my fate by ganging up and flinging their poopy.
But like Bane to Batman, I shattered a back man and they're crumbled.
The Saints Blake Grupe.
Revered in the prison, some called me a man of demolition
not holding back my true desires.
I unleashed a roundhouse fart, instant kill it stopped his heart.
So long Seattle's Jason Meyers.
Escaped from Alcatraz, I vanished with a little pizzazz
as I set course for Shanghai.
I commandeered a cockpit. This was rude I do admit,
but the ultimate cannonball for the commanders, Joey Sly.
Out over open water, my plane became the slaughter.
For the megalodon chomped the plane's anus.
What? Pants stained with pee-pee. We were toast like a panini.
Parachuting with the Jaguars Brandon McManus.
With wind blowing, cheeks flapping.
When I was unstrapping, some say I looked like Winnie the Pooh.
For a weather balloon became my ride, I landed truly mortified,
face to face with Atlanta's Younghoe Koo
Aa brew haha broke loose for a Koo kicked me in the caboose
but thankfully I have a 1.01 butt before it became illegal
I used the tush push like the Eagles
KOing him and Jake Elliott
Livin' the the boom boom journey, putting kickers on a gurney.
This job is not meant for such noble class.
A simple peasant wanted to get his fill, this chump was a Buffalo Bill.
So I opened a can and whooped some Tyler Bass.
With Christmas soon on its way, I took a list and jumped on my sleigh
crossing out naughty's like old Saint Nick
Coal will not do for kickers deserve a lump of poo
Merry Christmas you filthy animal to the Ram's Lucas Havrisik
At years end, I need a long nap to take a full boom, boom victory lap
and retire from these kicking suckers.
So I waddled into their kicking HQ and clogged all their toilets with doodoo.
Sayonara to the Ravens, Justin Tucker.